


But forgive me if you can

by JayEclipse



Series: Earth-627 [3]
Category: DCU, DCU (Comics), Justice League International (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Sex, Internal Monologue, M/M, Micheal doesn't really talk but he is a major part of this, Songfic, This is mostly a character study on Maxwell and his internal monologue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:42:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25021858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayEclipse/pseuds/JayEclipse
Summary: Maxwell thinks about Micheal, a lot.And how that keeps hurting him.
Relationships: Michael Carter/Maxwell Lord
Series: Earth-627 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1792048
Kudos: 5





	But forgive me if you can

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in Earth-627 so not everything is following exact canon events but I think everything is explained pretty well!  
> Also this is a songfic for the song Sante Fe by Autoheart

They had first met in his office, a man looking for fame and recognition pleading for assistance in gaining those things with a man looking for the perfect pawn. It was a match made by luck, good or bad he still pondered to the day.

_ ‘You were like a present I should not have kept’ _

It became a personal project afterwards. He was proud of them all, how couldn’t he be? They were to put it frankly, his magnum opus. And what saved him from himself in the end, made him realize the awful truth of what he was doing. And when the consequences came biting back they were the ones that found him.

But he’s always been the proudest of Micheal. He probably was the first one that saw potential in Micheal, and oh how that potential was followed through on. Sure the man was… irritating at times, especially when doing his shtick with Ted.

But when the cards were down, when things got bad he did good work,  _ respectable  _ work.

_ ‘A sticker on your forehead saying ‘breakable’’ _

But it was clear he was looking for recognition, looking for something he had not ever been given. It was an open book to read that Micheal needed love, anyone that paid attention would have known that. But very few people ever paid that attention.

He had paid that attention. But he didn’t know how to show him that love he needed. There was always that barrier of the power he knew he held over Micheal. And there was always that fact that he never learned how to share real love, the type that actually came from the heart. There was a reason he was twice divorced.

But Ted also had paid that attention and he actually did something with that knowledge. He gave the love he could. He was there for thick and thin. Through health and sickness.

But it had been him in that hotel room. It was him that touched him like that. It was a perfect movie with the wrong cast.

_ ‘And I broke you bad’ _

It was only one time, that’s all he could willed himself to do. He still looked at Michael like that, but each time he forced himself to look away. It was one time.

He scrubbed his hands of it. It felt wrong. It felt  _ too  _ close.  _ Too  _ intimate. The only thing to do was push it out of his mind. 

Micheal probably didn’t even think about it anymore, maybe he hopes Micheal doesn’t. But something in his heart aches at the idea.

He should just stick to his heart of steel. It doesn’t ever fail him.

_ ‘Waking up to nothing on New Year’s day’ _

It’s failed him. It always fails him and yet he always goes back to it. Hoping the pain will dull out.

He has to wonder if Micheal ever thinks about it.

He has to wonder if Michael ever wishes it went further.

Lying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking of one of his co-workers like this is not what he ever thought he’d be doing but yet that’s what was happening. The old Maxwell Lord would have scoffed at this.

But the old Maxwell Lord was shot by Kil%re and bled out, bled out of his system so fresh, better blood could pump through his heart.

So he could have a heart.

_ ‘Thinking of a holiday to Santa Fe’ _

He should at least check a few things off his bucket list. He doesn’t have a lot of time, the doctors said a couple months but he could sense their unsureness.

And using his powers... Well while he was forcing them to share the full truth they said it might happen suddenl-

_ ‘To get over us’ _

What was happening? Who were these people? Why was everything so dark? It was just waves and waves of confusion crashing over him. He was screaming, his throat was going hoarse and he wasn’t even sure if the message was getting across.

It took nearly a year to piece his own mind back together locked in that dark room. Whispers of people outside of steel doors. It not been his favor to regain his sense of self.

But he had. Clinging onto the memory of the team, of his friends. Clinging onto the idea that they were looking for him.

Clinging.

_ ‘The gods of justice spoke’ _

There was another him, he had his guesses on how. Top one being Kil%re coming back to haunt him. No matter what he’s done in his life he’s never going to get away from that mistake. He probably didn’t deserve to, his choice years ago costed a man his life and resulted in several others nearly paying with their lives.

And he had made that choice of his own free will.

But apparently the hero community were the ones who had to pay the interest on this debt. Ted nearly died and only luck saved him in the end. Wonder Woman was declared responsible for a man’s death. The world nearly got destroyed.

And that other him, a fake, a twin. Was dead. What to make of that. What can a person make of that? But most unfortunately he ran their name through the mud.

Maxwell Lord would be remembered as a traitor, terrorist, the villain.

Nobody would be coming for him.

Ra’s would be getting what he wanted. An agent in the shadows that could change anyone's minds. There wasn’t any way he could say no. The others might be remembering him as a villain but that didn’t mean he’d be willing to be responsible for their loved ones getting harmed.

_ ‘And I got what I deserved’ _

He had done digging on the other him. A clone, a cyborg. Really just following through on what Kil%re had started with him. But most troubling it seemed that the control Kil%re had over him was minimal, there was some part in Maxwell that would have done the exact same things given the chance.

It disgusted him to know how little he had actually learned over the years. How he apparently still needed to learn the same lesson.

Then suddenly everyone forgot everything. Maxwell Lord was no more. He made sure that Ra’s would never remember what happened, he couldn’t risk it. Then he fled into the night, right back into the shadows he had grown so comfortable in.

A life of hiding was what he deserved, he did have full blame for what happened during the crisis, it’d be ridiculous to pin it all on himself. But had the roles been switched he very well could have done the same.

_ ‘And when you saw me’ _

He had confirmed what he suspected. Micheal hated him, hated him like the mouse hated the cat, like the bug hated the spider, like the pleasant hated the king.

Natural, common sense, would make no sense not to.

But he didn’t hate him back, why would he? The last time they had seen each other they were friends, teammates, co-workers, a perfect what if.

But Barda had said she overheard some things at Sanctuary, some things that Micheal said, some things Ted had said, and some things Scott had heard then mentioned. 

It was proof enough. Even in a game of telephone the general idea is kept. And the idea is that Micheal hates him, hates him for trying to kill his best friend, his anchor, partner (in mischief).

_ ‘Your hand became an angry fist’ _

He couldn’t lose Micheals number like how he’d requested it even if he wanted to. It was burned in his brain, one of those things that just couldn’t get pushed out.

Just like the anger he had heard in Micheals voice over the phone. It was pure, it still sounded fresh. That wound had not closed over time, it had stayed raw.

It was such a bad idea to call him up, it wasn’t even necessary. The problem wasn’t even pressing. There’s time, days and days to figure out what to do. But in that first wave of panic he wanted to hear Micheal’s voice, hear something reassuring.

But another thought has washed over him. He’s never going to hear something reassuring from Micheal again. Never going to hear that sparkle in his voice when he’s thrilled. That fake confidence he wore for everyone elses stake when things were bad.

_ ‘I agree with everything that’s coming my way’ _

From his point of view it’s perfectly fair, more than fair. In his eyes Maxwell Lord is the unrepentant monster that could have taken everything away. If it were someone else he was behaving this way to Maxwell would be full heartedly agreeing with that choice and encouraging it.

Even with some of the things he  _ had  _ done to Micheal that anger would be justified. Lying to him, sending him and the others into a trap, erasing his memory after what happened to Coast City.

Oh how he hates thinking about that moment in his life. He could pin it down as the moment his consciousness started going down the path to becoming the Black King, it’s just that path was cut short for him, interrupted by madness and a grudge. He almost had to thank Ra’s for that interruption.

But the reasons Micheal was angry at him were a lie. Probably one of the best the world has ever been told. There are so few blank spots, so few people that know the truth. Hell he had even helped cover it up. He had just said he was mind controlled when the Checkmate stuff happened, not that it was his evil cyborg clone.

_ ‘But forgive me if you can’ _

One day he should tell Micheal the full truth, give him the full story to make sense of.

Maybe he’d forgive him.

Maybe he’d still hate him.

Maybe he’d be finally able to forgive himself.

Maybe.


End file.
